It’s hard to believe I started this blog, Faithfully ADHD 6 years ago in 2014. I decided that 2020 would be a good year to close up my blog.
I started Faithfully ADHD because I wanted to help dispel myths within the Christian community about Adult ADHD. I wanted a space where adults with ADHD/ADD didn’t have to explain or justify their diagnosis to others. I was diagnosed with ADHD while in graduate school. Being diagnosed changed my life for the better. I began to understand why I was struggling with extreme behaviours such as constant restlessness, impulsivity, inability to focus on priorities, frequent mood swings, and poor time management. Being diagnosed helped me to manage my symptoms, and this is the best that anyone can do when they have ADHD/ADD. Overtime I learned that I and others with adult ADHD/ADD don’t owe emotional labour explaining to skeptics that ADHD is real, our symptoms are real, and the struggle is real. Some people succeed as a result of their ADHD, others struggle through life in various ways.
My hope is that those of you with Adult ADHD/ADD don’t believe the lies. ADHD/ADD is NOT a result of the following: -laziness -boredum -lack of interest -demon possession -unresolved anger -poor diet -entitlement -not praying hard enough -attention seeking -sinful nature
My hope is that you can see your diagnosis and condition as real and not something that determines your value as a human being and a child of God.
“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31-32
Where I live, a COVID-19 pandemic state of emergency was called on March 17, 2020 and was recently lifted. It has been 3 months of uncertainty, constant change, frustration, deaths, businesses going under, unemployment, fear, conspiracy theories, masks, and lockdown. As if this wasn’t distressing enough for society, another serious matter shook North America: racism and police brutality.
In this post I won’t discuss COVID-19, the pandemic, or racism. I have nothing new to add to any discussion about the virus and will continue encouraging people to trust that epidemiologists and other medical specialists, and please don’t complain when you are asked to wear a mask for the purpose of keeping others safe from a deadly disease.
I’m not going to discuss the issue of racism, because honestly, I’m exhausted. I do anti-racism work year round and I need to conserve my energy for when this current trend dies down and the only ones left fighting racism are those who are committed to the long and hard work that still needs to be done.
What I will talk about in this post is the need for those of us with ADHD to be mindful of how much social media and news we consume. While it’s important to be aware of multiple issues that are affecting our community and the nation; it’s also important to know when to take a break before social media driven information overload sets in.
Reducing the amount of distressing social media that we consume doesn’t mean you don’t care about what’s happening in your community and in the world, it means that you recognize the need to take time to process things.
Some simpler ways to prevent distressing social media overload:
–Avoid social media first thing in the morning and right before you go to bed.
–Mute friends and acquaintances that constantly post distressing information and rarely post light-hearted information. We all have one of those friends who post nothing but political, argumentative posts that are rarely balanced with pictures and videos of cute kittens and family fun.
–Follow pages that give you a temporary break from what is happening in the world. These can be pages related to your hobbies, comedy clips, or anything that puts a smile on your face.
–Set specific times to read and watch distressing information. For some it might be in the afternoon only (e.g. 1pm-1:30pm), evening (e.g. 6pm-7pm), etc. This way you are still being made aware of what is happening around you and your time can be devoted to taking in quality information rather than browsing multiple posts.
–Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into fights in the comments section; it is a waste of energy, emotionally draining and rarely ever changes the other person(s) mind. In the end fighting in the comments section only gets you angry and riled up. Save that energy for the action oriented changes that take place in person and not online.
Persons who don’t have ADHD seem to think those of us who do have ADHD spend most of our time dealing with an inability to focus and pay attention; frankly this isn’t how ADHD works, our social interactions can be as equally disruptive.
Impulsiveness, emotional sensitivity, aggressiveness, holding grudges, and a decreased ability to self-regulate reactions contribute to problems with relationships and interactions at home, work, and in social settings. Relationships and healthy communication aren’t a struggle for everyone with ADHD, but for those who do have issues in these areas, it can be emotionally draining and isolating.
If you have good friends and compassionate family members, they will understand your struggles caused by ADHD, but one can never risk taking advantage of the wonderful people in our lives. I’ve read plenty of comments on forums and social media where people with ADHD state that it’s not important or necessary to apologize to others because a person shouldn’t have to apologize for having ADHD. I can’t support this belief.
No one is at fault for ADHD, not parents and not the person with ADHD; it is what it is. Apologizing for having hurt someone, being late, rude, or making a costly mistake isn’t intended to bring about shame or self-blame. An apology is a sincere and “regretful acknowledgement of an offense or a failure.” (Oxford Dictionary) Our ADHD is never an excuse for not extending an apology. An apology shows that we care about others. It lets others know that we are willing to take responsibility for our actions and behaviours. When people see that we can take ownership when we make errors or react strongly to a situation, it can create a more peaceful interaction with the offended or wronged person.
If your ADHD symptoms, bitterness, and reactive responses have caused issues between yourself and someone else, don’t hesitate to apologize. An apology is an act of peace and love, two things that God has called us to extend to one another. If the person on the receiving end of your apology does not accept it, remember, you did right by apologizing and they are free to accept or reject.
Pray before you apologize, ask God for his guidance, and don’t hesitate at allowing the other person space to process their feelings about the situation as well.
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
The Thanksgiving holiday is associated with many things,
mostly good food and gathering with friends or family.
Here in Canada the Thanksgiving holiday has passed and the long
season of Christmas consumerism has begun.
When we think of giving thanks, we don’t often think of
adult ADHD. We mostly associate adult ADHD with the challenges we have and the
barriers involved in navigating life. This year I’d like to encourage you to
find as many things as you can think of related to your own ADHD to give thanks
for. We all have differing symptoms that cause us to struggle, but in spite of
this we can look back at the past 10 to 11 months find reasons to be feel
gratitude.
This isn’t a time to compare our self with others we
consider to be more successful; our journey is our own, and so are our
victories and failures. Comparison is not only the thief of joy, it’s the thief
of gratitude. Comparison means nothing
will ever be good enough in your life because you’re not focusing on your own
life, you are focusing on others.
It can be difficult to find things to be thankful for when life isn’t going according
to our plans and needs, so I’ve listed a few things to help get us started. If
your list is small, that’s o.k., even one item on your list is a blessing. You
don’t have to physically write out a list, but it certainly helps when trying
to remember events and occurrences from the past. A written list is also
provides for a great visual reminder when you’re feeling discouraged.
It’s hard to believe October 2019 is past the halfway point.
The yellow, gold, red, and brown leaves have fallen from most of the trees, allergies
have slowed some of us down, and the days of leaving for work in the dark and
returning home in the dark has begun.
I haven’t posted in a while because I had become overwhelmed
with a variety of responsibilities that lead to a significant increase in my
anxiety and ADHD. Thankfully I was able to slow down, refocus, and get my
anxiety under control which meant I was then able to better manage my ADHD.
When I was able to slow down, I realized that my increased
anxiety was fuelled by taking on more than I could handle. So many ideas,
interests, and goals; so little time.
This paragraph from Very Well Mind describes what happens
when anxiety has a hold over you,
“ Sometimes anxiety develops as a result of the ADHD symptoms. …If you
have difficulty managing the everyday demands of life, are chronically late,
forgetful, have trouble meeting deadlines and obligations, become overwhelmed
with finances, tune out in conversations, speak or act impulsively, lack tact
in social situations—then certainly this can bring about feelings of chronic
anxiety.
You may worry about keeping track of it all. You may worry about what will go wrong next. When will the next “let down” occur? What will I say next to embarrass myself or someone else? You may dread that next time when you are rushing to an important appointment that you will surely be late to again.”
I was reminded that having too many things on the go
leads to increased anxiety as a result of ADHD symptoms. We are not able to
successful juggle as many things on our daily to-do list as others. This isn’t
something bad, it’s simply a reality. Over time we learn which activities and responsibilities
we can say “yes” to and which one’s require a “no”. This isn’t always based on choosing
what is most important, but what is best for us.
Your overwhelm isn’t going to look like mine did, but it’s
important to learn and remember what you can and can’t handle very well in your
own life. Decrease the things that cause your anxiety to increase.
Be honest with yourself and find out what activities,
people, habits, etc. might be causing a sudden increase in anxiety or a
worsening of ADHD symptoms. Then find a way to do something about either
eliminating or decreasing the problem.
Below I’ve posted two links with short, easy to read
information on managing anxiety with ADHD and also how to deal with ADHD
overwhelm.
It’s known that for some people with ADHD it can be difficult
to sit down and read for work, school, informational purposes, or for personal
enjoyment. For me it all comes down to interest. If I’m interested in the topic
I’m reading about, I can easily become lost in time and read for hours. I also
have difficulties with inattentiveness, which means it’s not unusual for me to
read something and not recall what I’ve read or end up staring at what becomes pages
of nothing for periods of time without realizing it.
Because adult ADHD is a spectrum, not all persons have trouble with sitting down and reading material. There are plenty of people who enjoy sitting down, getting comfortable with a good book, warm throw, and a tasty beverage. The problem for these individuals is drawing themselves away from what they are reading to tend to other tasks. This is when having a timer comes in handy.
I find the summer season to be a great time for reading,
especially outdoors. I live in a city with long, dark winters. One might think these
types of weather conditions would make for great reading, but I don’t find that
to be the case. For me there is something about the bright sunshine, chirping
birds, and fresh air that makes reading even more enjoyable. Reading during the
dark season isn’t bad, I just find dark, cold weather to be tiring if I’m not
physically active.
Summer is a great time to get online and checkout the newest
releases or finally purchase that book you’ve been wanting to read for several
months, or in some cases, years. If you are a book lover, there might even be
novels tucked away in your home that are waiting to be read. If money is an
issue, there is always the public library.
I encourage you to make time this summer to read.
Stay Realistic. Be careful not to set unrealistic expectations such as I will read 20 books by October 1stif you know reading is not something you are interested in.
Pick books you like. If you are not interested in
sci-fi, then skip that genre and head for something you’re more likely to enjoy.
If you feel stuck, think about genres of movies and television shows you enjoy
and seek out books that are similar to those themes.
Choose the right time to read. If you are busy in the
mornings, don’t try to fit in a few chapters before leaving for work. If you
take transit and you rarely get to sit down during the ride, this might not be
a good time either. If you know you are exhausted when you enter your bed each
night, then this isn’t ideal either because you will fall asleep with your book
every time without completing as much as a page.
Include reading your bible. This one might sound strange,
but studies have shown the majority of Christians don’t actually read their
bibles, some don’t even own one. I don’t recommend people sit down, open up the
book and read it the way one would read a novel. The bible is much too complex
for that. Instead, find a short devotional series that includes reading
scripture. This usually contains no more than a chapter at a time. This is one
of the easiest ways to read the bible in an applicable manner. You can even choose to bypass having a book by
downloading a devotional app on your mobile phone or tablet.
My summer reading list is short. I’m not a fast reader, so I
give myself two weeks to finish a book. I’ve also kept the list short so I don’t
feel overwhelmed.
First, I think it’s important that we know what self care is
and isn’t. From an article on Psych Central, licensed Counselling Psychologist Raphailia
Michael defines it as such, “…any activity that we do deliberately in
order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. …Good
self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good
relationships with oneself and others.” She also defines what it is not, “It
is not something that we force ourselves to do, or something we don’t enjoy
doing. … “self-care is ‘something that refuels us, rather than takes form us.’ …It
is not only about considering our needs; it is rather about knowing what we
need to do in order to take care of ourselves, being subsequently, able to take
care of others as well.”
Living in an abundant society has meant that self-care is
often described as something involving luxuries and goods. Social media posts
about self-care often list ideas such as going on vacation, retreating to a
spa, having a fun shopping trip, or going to a nice restaurant. Somehow
self-care has come to mean escape.
When I engage in self-care I’m not trying to escape anything, anyone, or any
place. Maybe it’s my introvert tendencies, but to me self-care is simply about
refueling. For an extrovert, self-care might involve being with others and
doesn’t involve solitary activities.
Some people rest and others want to be active. Some crave quiet and others want
to be a part of the excitement and high energy of others.
Self care is mandatory for one’s physical, mental, social, and spiritual well-being. We see what happened to men in the 1970s and 1980s who worked non-stop: heart attacks, divorce, unhappy marriages, alcoholism, anger, children who didn’t get to be with their father’s, and a lost sense of self. They were prime examples for why self care is important for the self and for others you interact with.
For some having ADHD brings with it the ability to
multi-task, take on many activities outside of the workplace, start and
sometimes finish plenty of projects, and expend seamless energy; but at some
point the body and the mind says enough. ADHD can be physically and mentally
draining, especially if you have a co-morbid disorder such as anxiety or OCD.
If you find it difficult to make self care an important practice in your life,
consider that even Jesus took time for self care. It’s hard to imagine the
divine taking time to rest, but here on earth he had to, there was no other
option. A lack of sleep, food, fellowship, and rest would not have made for a
good, strong leader and saviour. Not taking time to refuel also takes away from
being our best selves as followers of God. It affects our relationship with
God, our self, and others.
Here are a few ways to get started with spiritual self care.
From there you will be able to make decisions about tangible ways you can
integrate self care into your daily life.
Pray-alone
“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark,
Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”
Mark 1:35 NIV
If long prayer times are difficult for you consider breaking
up your prayer time throughout the day.
-Try starting your day with simple short prayers. Even
something such as, “Thank you God for giving me another day. May I reflect
Christ in all I do.”
-Take time to do short prayers throughout the day. Praying
doesn’t always involve talking, sometimes it means taking time to be quiet and
still, inviting God to bring rest and renewal to your body and mind.
-Pray at the end of the day. Give thanks for your day and
those who were a part of it, confess, forgive, pray that you won’t bring
anything short of the fruits of the spirit into your sleep or the next day.
Honour Your Body
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy
Spirit, who is in you, whom have received from God? …Therefore, honor God with
your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV
-When taking this verse out of context it can still be applicable
to so many instances where we don’t honour our body. We dishonour our body when
we don’t take breaks, don’t rest, become too busy to eat or drink, or don’t get
enough sleep when we can. We honour our body because we are created by God and this
is the one and only body we are given. Treat it well.
Stop Trying to Keep up with the Jones
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test what
God’s will is: his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 NIV
We all have different needs and we all live different lives.
You will have different ways that you care for yourself. Some will spend lots
of money, for others it won’t cost anything. Working to have all the latest
material goods is a fast way to burn out. Your time and money will have gone to
living someone else’s life instead of your own.
Evaluate your own values. What is important to you, where does most of your
energy and attend go towards? Living your own true and authentic life is one of
the best ways to care for yourself. God doesn’t ask us to impress Him, so why
do we spend so much time trying to impress others? Your authentic self replenishes
instead of depletes. Being yourself adds to your life instead of taking away
from it.
However you choose to live and care for yourself, do it according to how God
has designed you; gifts, talents, and the resources you have.
Let’s be honest, having ADHD can be very annoying. We annoy our selves and others are annoyed by some of our ADHD traits. Despite having ADHD it can sometimes be difficult to be understanding towards others who also have this disorder. One might think that it would be natural to be compassionate and extend grace towards others with the same challenges and struggles, but the heart and mind doesn’t quite work that way.
Part of my own ADHD traits include talking really loudly, talking fast,
moving my arms all over the place when I talk, sometimes getting into people’s
bubbles when I’m over animated, and being short with people when I am feeling
tired overwhelmed, or overcome with anxiety. All these traits together sometimes
catch people off guard if they don’t know me. This is one of the reasons why I
don’t attend networking socials and feel uncomfortable being in places where I
don’t know other people.
There are ADHD traits in others that I sometimes have a difficult time
dealing with. Despite knowing that it is part of the symptoms of adult ADHD I
still find myself becoming impatient or frustrated with the person. At times I
feel disappointed in myself for not being more understanding and for not
remembering that how upset I am when others with ADHD don’t extend compassion.
As I am writing this blog post I clearly remember a supervisor of mine
who had ADHD, most likely inattentive ADHD. He was always late to work leaving
me waiting to enter the building, he had
a habit of losing important paperwork, he was forgetful about things that were
important (meetings, bookings, and passing on vital information), he rarely
paid attention to staff when we were talking to him, and he was incredibly
messy leaving our workspace looking like a high school student’s messy bedroom.
It wasn’t only I who found him frustrating, so did the other staff. However, I felt that I could have been more understanding towards him because we both have this disorder even if our symptoms were different. I wouldn’t expect people to make excuses for a supervisor who is a poor fit for a position; but there needs to be boundaries and a level of professionalism involved when dealing with a person who has a disability. Constantly writing a person up for poor performance without providing helpful suggestions for change, and workplace bullying such as name calling, ostracizing, and hostility is not alright.
When you know a person has poorly managed ADHD your expectations of that person need to change. In the workplace it’s easier to address because of performance reviews, policy and procedures, and sometimes clearly marked outcomes expectations. When you are dealing with that person as a friend or family member it’s more difficult, we have expectations, but they can’t be enforced, and you can’t fire a relative from being in your family.
What we can do is be more patient, understanding, and realistic. In the workplace a job might not be a good match for someone with ADHD and eventually the person might have to find something or somewhere else to make a living. The deeper issue is how we treat those with ADHD when we find their behaviour and actions frustrating and disruptive. It is well known that those who have adult ADHD are sensitive and more prone to have low self-esteem. Let’s try not to add unpleasant experiences to their lives.
I have been on both ends, the one who handled my frustrations in unhelpful ways, and the person who was treated horribly as a result of my ADHD symptoms. As adults the best thing we can do for our peers is show them some understanding while still maintaining our workplace boundaries.
“Therefore, as God’s
chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12
At the time of writing this blog post Lent is at the halfway
point. For some it has been a struggle, for others, the days have passed by
smoothly. The most important thing to remember is that Lent isn’t designed to
be a season of self-criticism, guilt, shame, or any other type of feeling that
tears one’s self down. Lent is a time
for strengthening one’s faith and relationship with God.
Fasting from something is our way of remembering our dependence on God. What we fast from is always voluntary and is chosen based on abstaining from something we have come to depend on in the wrong ways. There are people who ask, “Why do Christians fast from something for 40 days, why not give it up entirely?” The answer: if you give something up entirely, it is no longer as fast. A fast is meant to be temporary. There are plenty of distractions and dependencies in our lives that we can not give up entirely because we depend on them for survival; these might include food, a car needed for employment, the internet, or radio and television.
There are also things that bring us daily enjoyment and don’t
require forfeiting for the rest of our lives. Plenty of people give up coffee
during Lent. Coffee is not bad unless it negatively affects your health. For
them it’s a reminder to be appreciative of the ability to purchase this great
tasting, overpriced beverage. For others, Lent helps them to decrease their
dependency on a caffeinated beverage they’ve been using to be more alert or
friendly towards others in the morning. A follower of Christ shouldn’t need
coffee in order to be a nice person to their family and co-workers. A change in
behaviour and outlook is needed and that is where fasting during Lent can help.
The time that would have been spent waiting in the drive thru or brewing a cup
at home can instead be spent reading an entry from a devotional or scripture. Lent is never about the object that is
being given up, it’s about what is being renewed, replenished, and strengthened
inside of us.
For those of us who struggle to manage our ADHD, there will be
extra struggles during Lent. This is a religious observance that is guaranteed
to throw off our normal routines, possibly contribute additional stress and
frustrations, and reveal just how undisciplined we can be sometimes. Instead of
allowing these times of struggle, falling behind, or forgetfulness to bring us
down; see it as spiritual growth. God isn’t sitting in heaven with a score card
documenting how many times we didn’t quite hit the mark. He’s interested in you
coming to him and sharing what was happening in your day, how you were feeling,
what you’re thankful for, where your heart and mind is at. Lent is a period of grace, not condemnation.
If you are willing to stick with it, in the end you are given the same strength
that Jesus was given. Christ made it through the 40 days flawlessly, but we are
not Jesus; we will have faltered at some point, but because God is a just god,
he doesn’t pit us against one another in a spiritual competition. He knows each
of our individual strengths and struggles, this is why Lent is a personal act of spiritual formation.
So, my fellow ADHD’er, don’t allow your failure to master a struggle or temptation during Lent become shame, embarrassment, or guilt. God is still with you in the desert and when you silence the negative self-talk you will hear him whispering promises to strengthen you, never forsake you, love you, have mercy on you, and extend grace to you over and over again in the midst of your journey.
This past week I read through John 9, the well known New Testament story about a man who is born blind and is miraculously healed by Jesus who gives the man sight for the first time in his life.
This man, and others who had been born with disabilities, had
been deemed by religious folks to have been born without sight due to sin that
he would have committed within the womb. Yes, that’s correct, their religious
belief was that we are capable of committing sin as fetuses and this can be the
only explanation for why a baby could be born with a disability.
The beliefs of the religious leaders were steeped in a form
of social cruelty that left individuals believing they had caused their own
misfortunate. Families were guilted into believing their faith and devotion to
God was lacking and the consequence was a disabled child.
No visits to a doctor, no medicine, no surgical
intervention, no hope. As far as the rigid religious leaders were concerned,
you were born that way due to sin and your punishment was life long. A
disability at birth was seen as a divine penalty that only God could redeem,
and that was only if he chose to.
Upon being divinely cured of his blindness, the man is not
met with celebration and well wishes; instead he is interrogated by onlookers and
the scrupulous religious leaders. Onlookers chose to believe that the man was a
fake who had never really been blind. The religious leaders finally decide he
was born blind (after testimony of truth from the man’s frightened parents) and
it couldn’t have been God who cured his blindness – in their attempts at
righteous reasoning, the miracle could only have come at the hands of a devil.
I can’t help but see similar beliefs unfold when Adults with ADHD have their symptoms under control and life becomes less overwhelming. Some will say things such as, “He never had ADHD in the first place, a lack of discipline was his problem”, “She was lazy, she didn’t want to do the work”, “He just needed to get married, now that he has a wife he is more responsible”, “it was those energy drinks that were causing her inattention” and so on.
I won’t say there is a “cure” for ADHD, there is no research to support such as a statement, but I do believe there are some adults with this disorder who function well in life. They have been able to maintain a steady job, pay their bills on time, take care of their children responsibly and have healthy relationships with others. Some have been able to do all of this without taking medication for ADHD.
When society encounters people with ADHD who are doing well in life they are questioned as to the validity of their diagnosis. There are also people who have the false belief that those with ADHD can never change, improve, transform, or experience personal growth. The story of John 9 in relation to adult ADHD is a reminder that the seemingly impossible can happen. When we see adults with ADHD who are doing well in life, let’s not doubt them or their diagnosis. Instead, let’s be supportive and encouraging. Comparison causes us to look down on our own personal victories and accomplishments. Celebrate the positive changes that happen in your OWN life, be your own cheerleader if no one else is there to celebrate with you.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Eph 4:29
Faithfully ADHD 